She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
