fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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