What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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