somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
