My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
