false alarm. still invincible.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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