You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
