Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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