Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You may now shotgun with the bride
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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