the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
