the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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