my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
