Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
