dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im part way to drunk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
