Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
