Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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