this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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