It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
