you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
