So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
