Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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