During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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