just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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