God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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