I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
