The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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