Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
