So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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