i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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