i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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