thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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