apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
