Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Randomize
