The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
