Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
