This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
