Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
