He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
