God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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