I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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