So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We have so much sex to catch up on
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
