someone threw a dead crab at me
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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