Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
wow bdsm is so cute
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
