Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
