just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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