i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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