based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
