so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
