I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
