I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
