ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
