i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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