i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
