Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
