i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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